THE one time I tried to pay a credit card bill online was a disaster. The experience involved three major system crashes, a damage-only accident when it disowned the password it had approved just moments earlier; and then nothing.

It appeared to have taken my dough, but there was no sign-off or thank you and, nerves shredded at this close encounter with the computer underworld, I didn't fancy arriving home from a trip abroad and finding the bailiffs had made off with what remained of my dignity.

I needed a friendly human voice from Cheshire, Essex or the Hindu Kush to confirm my debt was settled and that the system had gratifyingly refused to bow to my fumbling incompetence and rampant technophobia.

Failing to find one, and to cut a very long story shorter, I finally ended up visiting M&S (for it was them) in Broad Street where they sympathetically let me talk directly to their accounts people in Chester.

Yes, my password was registered, yes I'd opened an online account, no, there wasn't anything in it. Returning from France, an email awaited, welcoming me to this simple, secure way of putting my mind at rest. Pressed delete. Dusted off cheque book. I'm clearly not the only cheque dinosaur paying bills, donating to small charities without elaborate financial systems, even contributing to church collections when short of the readies; and how impractical is it to kit out my two-year-old twin great nieces with one of those gadgets to swipe-card their birthday presents? But our benevolent bankers, renowned equally for their altruism and sleight of hand, seem hellbent on abolishing cheques. Indeed mine don't even send cheque books automatically any more. But do I sniff a conspiracy here?

Last month I sent off a credit card payment first class, two days before Barclaycard's recommended posting date. It apparently arrived two days after the due date and cost me a £12 late payment charge. I suspect this has something to do with the Royal Mail, where the management's not awfully keen on delivering letters and would rather be flogging insurance and bullying its postmasters. Might they be in cahoots do you think?

Talking of conspiracies. Before they coalesced, the Tories and Lib Dems each vowed to "kill" the Bill which will force millions of us to dump our 'obsolete' analogue radios in favour of digital audio broadcasting. It's another of those pledges they haven't kept. But as long as I can post off a cheque for my unwanted DAB radio...