THE biggest plus point for retaining the monarchy is that in my lifetime we're unlikely to see a George Dubya-type or a Bill Clinton - or even, God forbid, a President Blair, Cameron or Milibland - waving at us from the Buck House balcony.

Dyed in the wool, guillotine-hungry republicans are probably prepared for such horrible eventualities but, at a time when we could all use a good laugh, have you noticed how much jollity Ireland's been getting from a presidential election campaign which climaxes a week today?

When it all began they had two blokes named Gay, who weren't, and a gay who was. One Gay (Byrne) dropped out because it wasn't like the showbiz industry he'd lorded it over for decades, and the real gay (David Norris) followed when it emerged he'd used his position as a Senator to vouch for an ex-partner on trial for raping a teenage boy in Israel. The other Gay (Mitchell), from the ruling Fine Gael party, became a favourite, along with Labour veteran Michael D. Higgins, but they aren't at the moment, while Norris is back in the fray but no longer a front runner.

Talking of showbiz, there's Dana Rosemary Scallon who, as plain old Dana, won the Eurovision Song Contest in 1970 with All Kinds Of Everything. She got nothing when she stood for the presidency back in 1997; instead the delightful Mary McAleese won it and launched her 14- year, fairly faultless charm offensive on behalf of most of the Irish people in most of the 32 counties.

Dana, however, was already trailing, even before a niece went public with allegations of childhood family abuse. Meanwhile Mary Davis the other woman in the field, chief executive of the 2003 Special Olympics in Dublin, has been exposed as Queen of the Quangos, something that doesn't sit well with an Irish nation well aware that for quite some time it's been taken for a costly ride by quangocrats and their ilk.

Martin 'I loaded but never fired' McGuinness regrets plenty but never apologises, demanding judicial inquiries but rejecting reciprocal scrutiny.

Increasingly ratty at inconveniently regular challenges from relatives of terrorist victims, or being asked to square his avowal of Catholicism with murderous IRA activity, he knows getting the job wouldn't stop the questions.

But, just when you think you understand what's what, a new favourite emerges in business entrepreneur Sean Gallagher, star of Ireland's version of Dragons' Den. Enough, I'm out!